Missing You

He was my first love. A skinny, long-haired guy who I dated throughout my junior and senior years of high school. For the last forty-four years neither I nor anyone I knew had any idea whether or not he was even still alive. But last summer he found me on Facebook, and a couple of weeks ago we met for lunch. Over the two hours we spent together, I felt like I found some missing pieces of myself. Still, forty-four years changes things, and if it weren't for common memories, I would have sworn I was meeting a stranger. He had grown up, carrying a responsible position in a large corporation for more than three decades. He was confident. A man.

The "letter" below is written to the beloved who was once my long-haired boyfriend. It's written to the loss of innocence and youth, And it's written to the Beloved who shows up as boyfriends, girlfriends, grown-ups, trees, the sky, everything. So often we forget Who it is that stands right in front of us.

Dear Beloved,

Where were you when I showed up at the deli according to our plans? A nice-looking man told me he was you, but I wasn't sure I should believe him. He was much older than I had imagined, didn't have the mannerisms I expected. Still, I decided to stay and chat. He was friendly. And kind. A lot like you.

We talked for two hours and shared memories that no one else could know. Did you school him on our past? I swear there were times when a familiar look in his brown eyes made me feel at home, and I considered the possibility that the person before me was you wearing him as a disguise. 

With one last bit of hope, I searched for you in the touch of this stranger as we hugged goodbye. I truly wanted to believe it was you. I put my arms around him, breathed in his scent, and felt his cheek next to mine. But my senses found nothing familiar. I had been right all along. You were not there.

I'm grateful you sent such a kind and generous representative. That was a sweet tease. But the next time we make plans, I hope it will be you who shows up. I miss you so much.

Love

Carol